What a difference a year makes…

Yesterday Facebook alerted me to a memory, not a happy memory. But that of our third failed IVF cycle. 

12 months ago we were beyond devastated to learn that we had experienced a Bio-Chemical Pregnancy / Early Miscarriage. In hindsight it was only the beginning of a heartbreaking journey that we would continue. 6 more embryos would be implanted and fail. 

A year ago I became a broken woman, I was starting to dip into what I now realise was depression. A year ago I had pushed my body to its limits in a quest to achieve our baby dream. I was so sore, I endured a painful surgery to remove my eggs which involved puncturing my uterus to avoid damaging my bowel. I was physically and mentally drained.

a few days before egg collection.

I looked around 23 weeks pregnant which was even worse as I had people look at me suspecting that I was pregnant when i definitely wasn’t. It was like a kick in the throat everytime they gave me ‘the look’.

12 months on, actually 23 weeks pregnant

Around 7 days after our 3rd embryo transfer I passed a tissue type clot which I can only assume was part of what was deemed to be a miscarriage according to bloodwork. 

Needless to say, 12 months ago our lives were very different. Whilst we were happy together, as individuals we were fighting to stay sane, to continue with the heartache. Each not wanting to give up for fear of disappointing the other. 

As I sit here and write this my daughter is contently kicking me from inside the womb and I have tears because I have waited for this moment, and whilst I know there are people out there who have waited far longer for this than what we have, I feel like we earned this. We fought damn hard for this! 

I wish everyone going through a journey of trying to conceive had a crystal ball. I wish I had one… I wouldn’t have endured the pain, the heart ache that was our IVF journey. But I am grateful of what I learned about myself and my husband. We are strong! We are resilient! And we are sooo ready for this! 

12 months ago my tears were of grief for the baby that would never be, and now the tears I shed are of pure joy of the baby that is on its way. 

I guess the point behind this post is to encourage people to embrace the hand you’re dealt, life isn’t meant to be easy for all of us. Some of us have to endure the worst things in order to appreciate the best things. 

We don’t take for granted our pregnancy. We know how lucky we are to have been able to conceive naturally. Especially after receiving my auto immune results. We know of so many people that are still struggling and it hurts my heart to know that they’re only just beginning their journey. I just pray that their dreams come true soon. 

I hope people read our story and keep faith that anything is possible. And what is meant to be will always find a way! 

I am grateful that Facebook reminded me of just how far we have come. 

To the couples reading this who are yet to achieve their baby dream – I hope in 12 months time that it’s you that is reflecting on how much has changed. 

Sending baby dust to all those trying to conceive. Keep positive and never give up! 

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What a difference a year makes…

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