Another Month, Another Negative

After a chemical pregnancy last month I thought my body might be learning what to do, I had higher hopes that this month would work…. 

Yet again, I was wrong 

This month I ovulated on day 13 of my cycle, which threw us as Adam had planned to go on a boys weekend with his dad and godfather on grand final weekend. The weekend of the embryo transfer. Given that we work 6 days a week and he doesn’t often get these opportunities I told him to still go , I asked my mum if she could be there with me for the transfer. 

My mum jumped at the opportunity and loved being there for me. She was so nervous for me.I had a different doctor for the transfer as it fell on a Sunday this time, mum loved how positive and chirpy the doctor was and insisted that I change doctors and have him 😂. I had to explain that they’re all positive, and he is being paid damn good money! He better be nice! 

It was so nice to have my mum there, seeing me go through this process kills her and she wants this for us just as much as we do. It helped her better understand IVF, she joked that if this one took that she would tell Adam that she was the dad 😂 as she was in the room when my baby was conceived…. Imagine someone overhearing that conversation!! 

We held high hopes as the fertility doctor who completed the transfer said that it was the perfect embryo. 95% of the cells had survived the thaw. 

I had cramping from 2 days after the transfer,  given that this was a natural cycle and I was on no medication there was nothing that could be causing the cramps so it was a good sign.

Home pregnancy tests on day 4,5,6 post transfer came back as flat negatives but they have been wrong in the past so I tried not to overthink it and tried to keep positive. 

  
I am lucky that I have a network of women who are a wealth of knowledge when it comes to IVF, some have been through 20 cycles… They have all the answers and help me understand this process as we go through it. 

I was warned that my period would be due today, early ovulation meant a shorter cycle. They were bang on the money and this morning I woke up to the news that I am definitely not pregnant and will be reminded of this for the next 3-4 days 😩

We have just 1 precious embryo left! $30,000 down the drain, no closer to achieving our baby dream. 

This process sucks and people try to understand it but in reality they have no idea what we are going through, they often say really insensitive things and make really uneducated remarks and I sometimes want to stab them in the eye with a butter knife! But we smile and put on a brave face and get ready to start the process again. 

There are no tears this month, I think I’ve become so used to the disappointment that I’m not sad anymore I’m just angry, angry that my body can’t sort itself out , that it’s now 18 months of trying to conceive and we are no closer now than we were at the start of last year. 

As always, tomorrow is a new day. We can’t dwell on the disappointment forever and I am mindful that there are couples who are suffering infertility more than us. There is still hope, we still have faith and most of all we still have each other. 

Xx