My Struggle 

This Journey has broken me as a person. 

I wasn’t going to post this but i want to be open and honest on this journey and in order to do that I can’t hold back.

I was able to stay strong in the beginning but with each failed cycle my heart has broken more and more. 

The last few days I have felt numb, blank, broken…. 

I am not myself, I am angry, and sad and I cannot stop the tears. I have spent the days laying in bed, staring blankly out the window and either crying myself to sleep or crying until I vomit. 

I believe that I am currently suffering from depression, as much as I hate to admit it, it’s true. I am not my normal happy self. 

Yesterday as I stood at the sink washing a glass I thought about smashing it and cutting my hand with a shard of glass just to feel something. I don’t believe I would have done it but it scares me that I feel these things. 

Mental Illness is serious and I am mindful that there is a family history. My dad passed away from suicide (depression) when he was just 32 and my younger brother suffers from Bi Polar. 

Whilst I have never had mental health problems before, I know the signs, I feel the change in myself and I know others have noticed the change too. 

I am highly emotional and whenever I stop and think about what we are going through, I cannot stop the tears. I want my bed to swallow me up and I don’t want to face the world. 

Part of me wants to stop IVF, to allow myself to heal, but the other part of me refuses to give up. Taking time out would feel like time wasted and I feel that I would only think about it more if I wasn’t actively trying to fulfill our dream. 

I feel disappointed in myself, I know it is out of my control but I cannot help but feel like I have failed. 

Infertility has made me bitter, I cannot be happy for people who fall pregnant easily, I am only reminded further of our struggles. I know I should be happy for them but it’s like a knife in my heart. 

I am so fortunate to have a wonderful man by my side who is supportive of my decisions, who holds me when I cry and reminds me that I am loved, that I am not alone in this struggle. He feels my pain and I know it hurts his heart to see me suffer (physically and mentally).

I want the pain to go away, I want to feel myself again. I want to wake up and be happy for the things I do have, not sad because of the things I don’t have. 

Melbourne IVF offers counselling, as does my wonderful employer. I am building up the courage to call and speak with someone. I have held back as I feel that I would be a blubbering mess and I don’t want to cry to a stranger. 

I have opened up to my beautiful supportive girlfriend Elisha, I am so thankful to have such an understanding woman to talk to. Even though she has never been through what I am experiencing she has listened without judgement and been so understanding. 

My mum has also been an amazing support person. I am so grateful of the relationship we have. 

Unfortunately it doesn’t matter how much love and support you have in your life, you can still feel alone, isolated and depressed.

I hope that I am able to start feeling better soon , by talking about my feelings with my loved ones and trying to remind myself that I cannot change our circumstances. I can only keep positive and have faith that our baby dream will be answered one day in the future.

#BreakTheStigma
xxx 

My Struggle 

Another Month, Another Negative 

After a chemical pregnancy last month I thought my body might be learning what to do, I had higher hopes that this month would work…. 

Yet again, I was wrong 

This month I ovulated on day 13 of my cycle, which threw us as Adam had planned to go on a boys weekend with his dad and godfather on grand final weekend. The weekend of the embryo transfer. Given that we work 6 days a week and he doesn’t often get these opportunities I told him to still go , I asked my mum if she could be there with me for the transfer. 

My mum jumped at the opportunity and loved being there for me. She was so nervous for me.I had a different doctor for the transfer as it fell on a Sunday this time, mum loved how positive and chirpy the doctor was and insisted that I change doctors and have him 😂. I had to explain that they’re all positive, and he is being paid damn good money! He better be nice! 

It was so nice to have my mum there, seeing me go through this process kills her and she wants this for us just as much as we do. It helped her better understand IVF, she joked that if this one took that she would tell Adam that she was the dad 😂 as she was in the room when my baby was conceived…. Imagine someone overhearing that conversation!! 

We held high hopes as the fertility doctor who completed the transfer said that it was the perfect embryo. 95% of the cells had survived the thaw. 

I had cramping from 2 days after the transfer,  given that this was a natural cycle and I was on no medication there was nothing that could be causing the cramps so it was a good sign.

Home pregnancy tests on day 4,5,6 post transfer came back as flat negatives but they have been wrong in the past so I tried not to overthink it and tried to keep positive. 

  
I am lucky that I have a network of women who are a wealth of knowledge when it comes to IVF, some have been through 20 cycles… They have all the answers and help me understand this process as we go through it. 

I was warned that my period would be due today, early ovulation meant a shorter cycle. They were bang on the money and this morning I woke up to the news that I am definitely not pregnant and will be reminded of this for the next 3-4 days 😩

We have just 1 precious embryo left! $30,000 down the drain, no closer to achieving our baby dream. 

This process sucks and people try to understand it but in reality they have no idea what we are going through, they often say really insensitive things and make really uneducated remarks and I sometimes want to stab them in the eye with a butter knife! But we smile and put on a brave face and get ready to start the process again. 

There are no tears this month, I think I’ve become so used to the disappointment that I’m not sad anymore I’m just angry, angry that my body can’t sort itself out , that it’s now 18 months of trying to conceive and we are no closer now than we were at the start of last year. 

As always, tomorrow is a new day. We can’t dwell on the disappointment forever and I am mindful that there are couples who are suffering infertility more than us. There is still hope, we still have faith and most of all we still have each other. 

Xx 

Another Month, Another Negative