This Journey has broken me as a person.
I wasn’t going to post this but i want to be open and honest on this journey and in order to do that I can’t hold back.
I was able to stay strong in the beginning but with each failed cycle my heart has broken more and more.
The last few days I have felt numb, blank, broken….
I am not myself, I am angry, and sad and I cannot stop the tears. I have spent the days laying in bed, staring blankly out the window and either crying myself to sleep or crying until I vomit.
I believe that I am currently suffering from depression, as much as I hate to admit it, it’s true. I am not my normal happy self.
Yesterday as I stood at the sink washing a glass I thought about smashing it and cutting my hand with a shard of glass just to feel something. I don’t believe I would have done it but it scares me that I feel these things.
Mental Illness is serious and I am mindful that there is a family history. My dad passed away from suicide (depression) when he was just 32 and my younger brother suffers from Bi Polar.
Whilst I have never had mental health problems before, I know the signs, I feel the change in myself and I know others have noticed the change too.
I am highly emotional and whenever I stop and think about what we are going through, I cannot stop the tears. I want my bed to swallow me up and I don’t want to face the world.
Part of me wants to stop IVF, to allow myself to heal, but the other part of me refuses to give up. Taking time out would feel like time wasted and I feel that I would only think about it more if I wasn’t actively trying to fulfill our dream.
I feel disappointed in myself, I know it is out of my control but I cannot help but feel like I have failed.
Infertility has made me bitter, I cannot be happy for people who fall pregnant easily, I am only reminded further of our struggles. I know I should be happy for them but it’s like a knife in my heart.
I am so fortunate to have a wonderful man by my side who is supportive of my decisions, who holds me when I cry and reminds me that I am loved, that I am not alone in this struggle. He feels my pain and I know it hurts his heart to see me suffer (physically and mentally).
I want the pain to go away, I want to feel myself again. I want to wake up and be happy for the things I do have, not sad because of the things I don’t have.
Melbourne IVF offers counselling, as does my wonderful employer. I am building up the courage to call and speak with someone. I have held back as I feel that I would be a blubbering mess and I don’t want to cry to a stranger.
I have opened up to my beautiful supportive girlfriend Elisha, I am so thankful to have such an understanding woman to talk to. Even though she has never been through what I am experiencing she has listened without judgement and been so understanding.
My mum has also been an amazing support person. I am so grateful of the relationship we have.
Unfortunately it doesn’t matter how much love and support you have in your life, you can still feel alone, isolated and depressed.
I hope that I am able to start feeling better soon , by talking about my feelings with my loved ones and trying to remind myself that I cannot change our circumstances. I can only keep positive and have faith that our baby dream will be answered one day in the future.