Today we received another devastating blow, our 2nd IVF cycle failed. I feel numb.
Even though we was preparing for the worst with this cycle , it doesn’t make it any easier to deal with yet another failed attempt. I find myself asking “how many more times can we go through this and come out of it sane?”
Whilst this cycle was a natural (no meds) one, there is still all of the testings and scans and then overthinking of every single twinge in your body after the embryo is transferred. We only decided on Day 8 of my cycle to do another transfer back to back with the last one. We want a child so much that we are willing to do whatever it takes!
Day 10 of my cycle – Scanned to check follicles
Day 14 , Scan again – leading follicle on my left ovary (the ovary I had no eggs only a month ago!)
Day 17 , Ovulation Kit confirms LH Surge – blood test confirms the same
Day 18 – Ovulation
Day 23 – Transfer Day!! Our 5 day blastocyst embryo is thawed and ready for transfer
Then the wait begins…. I normally have 28 day cycles but late ovulation meant a 31 day cycle this month.
Our Fertility Specialist had ordered that a blood test be done on Monday 29/6 to confirm the outcome. But this morning my body decided to break the news to us early, I still need to do a blood test on Monday simply to confirm officially what we already know as a Big Fat Negative (BFN)!
So now we have just 1 little embryo left before we need to go through the entire ICSI IVF process again. All the meds, all the needles, the procedures, the side effects…
I know that we have only done 2 cycles but at what point do you give up? We have spent $18,000 and still no baby. Where do you draw the line? We are very fortunate to have the money saved to continue with treatment and persist with our quest to become parents but I find myself asking – when do we stop? If the next cycle doesn’t work then we are another $13,000 out of pocket with no guarantees of fulfilling our dream of having a little family of our own.
I know of people that have spent hundreds of thousands of dollars and still don’t have their little family. It’s such a tormenting process because there is always the “what if”. You have to just keep faith and hope for the best.
Right now I just want my doona to swallow me up, I’m not ready to deal with the world today. I want to just let it all out and attempt to mend my broken heart.
Only people that have been through this process can truly understand the hurt in our hearts right now. Our hearts will heal and thankfully we have a very happy home and a wonderful relationship and we will come out of this stronger than ever.
I am so blessed to be able to share this life with my amazing husband and our wonderful families who offer us so much love and support.
Hopefully it will be third time lucky for us but we are going to take a break from IVF, we are going away for our wedding anniversary next month and I want to focus on my health and wellbeing for now and try and lose a bit of weight and feel a bit better about myself before we contemplate our next embryo transfer. Allow my body a break from trying to conceive.
One day I know in my heart I will be a mum, until then I’m going to just enjoy being a wife and cherishing the beautiful life that we live