Our First IVF attempt failed 😔

In March this year we met with our Fertility Specialist (FS) and were advised that our 1st ICSI IVF cycle could start the day of my next period. 

We were so excited! I was due on Easter Saturday so the countdown began…….         We spoke to the Patient Liason Officer about payment options and then to the nurses to discuss how to administer the medication, then we met with the counsellor and ticked off the final little box. 

Finally we were ready to begin! 

My period came two days early, I don’t think I’ve ever been so excited to get it – Ladies you will understand this. 

The first step was to take the “pill” for a month to control the amount of estrogen my body was producing. Then on Tuesday 21st April I started Synarel Nasal Spray (A.K.A – The Devil!) 

I kept a diary of how I felt while taking Synarel and to say that I was a psycho bitch is an understatement! 

Day 1-3, I just had a headache , I guess that’s expected when you’re spraying chemicals up your nose twice a day everyday. 

Day 4 , I started feeling depressed. I had to call in sick to work and I just lay in bed the whole day staring blankly out the window of my bedroom until it got dark and I realised I hadn’t eaten all day. The headache continued

Day 5, I was highly emotional, my head felt fuzzy and I was short of breath 

Day 6, my hands were shaking and I had a throbbing headache 

Day 7, really was the worst of it all. I woke up overly emotional, agitated with a massive headache. By 11am I had thrown my phone because a website wouldn’t load and almost punched the screen of my $2500 computer. I then ran into our bedroom and cried uncontrollably for 30 mins solid. Over a fucking website that wouldn’t load!!!!!  I finally realised that I wasn’t myself and it hit me when my husband held my face and said “if it’s getting too much , we can stop” 

I pulled myself together and realised I needed to keep as calm as possible if I’m gonna get through this process. 

Thankfully when I stopped the pill (Day 8 of Synarel) the side effects subsided and I only had a mild headache just after spraying. 

On Monday 4th May I was booked for a scan with my FS and he advised that the spray had worked and we were ready to begin the injections!!!! 

I would need to inject myself every morning – this continued for 9 days 

I had organised with work to take 3 weeks of annual leave during this time as my doctor was concerned I may experience Ovarian Hyperstimulation Syndrome (OHSS) and end up in hospital to manage the pain 

My stomach was bruised and swollen and I felt like a pin cushion but I had to remind myself that it was all worth it! 

feeling and looking like a pin cushion

After 2 follow up scans and a “trigger” injection on Wednesday 13th May to tell my body to stop growing eggs. I was booked for surgery on Friday 15th May at 9:20am to retrieve my eggs and fertilise them and the pointy end of the IVF process to begin. Finally no more medicine! 

 

The Final Spray!!! (excuse our bed hair 😝)
 
We had to pinch ourselves as we couldn’t believe we were finally here! 

I didn’t sleep the night before the procedure. I was so scared I would sleep in that I didn’t sleep at all. We had to be at the hospital at 8am for Adam to “wank in a cup” as he refers to it. My surgery was booked for 9:20am sharp! The trigger injection I took on Wednesday at 8:20pm had to be done exactly 37 hours before the retrieval – they say this is the timing that they have found works best. It’s all very technical so we just did as we were told.

 

just before i went into theatre

The procedure went well. I was awake within half an hour and walked out of recovery within the hour. 

Although I had grown lots of follicles (20+), our FS advised that my left ovary had been damaged in my laparoscopic surgery I had in December 2014 and as such it hadn’t produced any eggs/responded to injections. 

They got 6 eggs all up. Not what we were expecting but a good result considering we were only working with 1 ovary.

My left ovary has fused to my pelvic wall and will likely be removed if I am to have another laparoscopy.

On Saturday 16th May whilst eating  lunch we got the call to say that of the 6 eggs collected, 5 were mature enough to be suitable for IVF and of the 5 insemenated – 4 had fertilised. 

This was fantastic news! We got a follow up call on Monday 18th to say the 4 were going strong! I cried I was so relieved! 

The sun was shining so brightly when I got the calls and I prayed that my dad would watch over them and keep them nice and warm and protect them. 

Wednesday 20th May! Embryo Transfer Day! 

before heading to the hospital to transfer our little embryo

We arrive early for our appointment and wait to be called in by our specialist. The procedure is over in 5 mins and involves what I can only describe as a plastic “duck bill” similar to that used in a Pap test and a catheter to insert our little embryo into my uterus. 

Seeing our little embryo up on the screen made it so real. 

I actually felt love for something smaller than a speck of dust. 

This was potentially our child and I wanted to protect it.  They ask you in initial counselling how you feel about an embryo. I didn’t know how to answer the question then but seeing it with my own eyes and knowing that an embryo is half me and half my husband made it impossible not to feel something. It may be a bunch of cells and invisible to the human eye unless magnified but it’s the closest thing to a child that we have right now and the only feeling in my heart is love.

our little embryo – 5 day old blastocyst

We then made an appointment with the nurses and were told to come in next Sunday 31st May for a blood test to confirm if it had taken. We were given Crinone which I have to insert (Use your imagination) before bed each night. It contains progesterone to help stimulate the hormones my body would produce in the event of a natural conception.

Of our 4 fertilised embryos , 3 had made it to day 5. 1 was transferred and 2 would be frozen for future cycles.

We went out for dinner to our favourite restaurant to celebrate! 

I cut out all caffeine, started to eat clean food and make sure I was drinking lots of water and resting and keeping calm. 

The two week wait began! 

My boobs were heavy and sore from the day of transfer through until Monday night when all of a sudden they were back to normal.

I had heard that breast tenderness was a very common sign of early pregnancy so when that pain went away I was secretly devastated but tried not to over think it. 

This morning though our biggest fear was confirmed – our IVF cycle had failed 

I woke up and I was bleeding – my heart sank. 

I called my nursing team who could only say “I’m so sorry!” When I heard those words I couldn’t stop the tears. 

We went the chemist and bought a sensitive home pregnancy test and confirmed what I already knew – Negative 

 

Our Big Fat Negative 😔
 
My husband and I just sat holding each other with tears running down our faces. 

No words can describe the pain our hearts right now. The emotional pain is greater than any physical pain I’ve ever experienced. 

The only thing keeping me from crawling into a ball right now is the 2 little frosties (frozen embryos) that we have which there is still hope for. 

It’s one thing to not fall pregnant naturally but another to have a failed IVF cycle. We spent $12000 and still no baby! 

We have tried for almost 18 months for a baby. We first discussed IVF 6 months ago but it took 4 months to get an appointment. 

We have already rearranged our spare room to make way for a cot. We know what pram we want and have teddies and bibs that I couldn’t not buy when i saw them. 

I think we will wait a few months before we try again as I want to give my body a rest and don’t know that I could handle a back to back negative if it failed. 

The silver lining is we can go Overseas for our wedding anniversary after all! 
Thank you to everyone who has provided us with love and support over the last few months. 

We will try and keep our chins up and keep positive thoughts through this journey. 

This certainly isn’t the end of the road. This is just the beginning and it’s going to be worth every minute. When it’s meant to be – it will be 

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Our First IVF attempt failed 😔

Mother’s Day…… 

Today has been extremely difficult for me as I find my self with empty arms (and empty uterus) on the day that is to celebrate Mother’s. 

And whilst I had an incredible afternoon with both my mum and mother in law enjoying Anthony Callea in concert at Crown, the entire time I sat there thinking about how much I can’t wait to be a mum. 

I loved being able to celebrate with my mums and spoiling them but it also felt like there was a whole day dedicated to rubbing our infertility in my face. A constant reminder that I am not yet a mother. 

I saw this beautiful poem on a forum that made me smile though   


I want to say a big THANK YOU to my Aunty for posting this today on Facebook today, it warmed my heart 

  
Also, to Natalie & Brooke who I went to Highschool with for thinking of me – It means so much 

My beautiful friend Andrea, who bought me flowers to cheer me up. Love You! 

My amazing husband has been so supportive and there is no one else in this world I could imagine sharing this life with, This is all just a part of our story and I am proud to share it. 

We are so close to starting our IVF! Within a few weeks I will begin medication and monitoring. I am being placed on a Down Regulation Cycle which involves being put on the pill for a month to balance/control my hormones, then I will commence a nasal spray which has been described as “the 👿 devil” 😳, followed by daily injections and 2 procedures. I will be keeping a diary and in time I will share with you all the good, the bad and the ugly of it. 

We have done all the legal stuff, discussed the $ side of it. We will initially be $12,000+ out of pocket but will be reimbursed $5500 by Medicare which softens the blow thankfully. 

We have discussed possible side effects of the medications with our nursing team. Let’s just say it’s a bloody big list! 

We have also discussed the legal side of things. Quite a morbid discussion especially since we have had to make decisions about what happens to our embryos in the event of either of our deaths. After much discussion, it was decided I will gain full rights to the remaining embryos (if any) in the event of my husbands death. If something should happen to me – they will be donated to science. We couldn’t bring ourselves to donate them to another couple, purely because potential children would be 100% our Biological children and the thought of them being out in the world without us just didn’t seem right but we applaud those that are so generous. 

Infertility has definitely changed me as a woman and shown me a beautiful side of my husband that I never noticed before. I have always loved him dearly but I never really knew just how much I could love him until now. Seeing him care for me has shown me that he will be such an amazing father. Our struggles have made him a better man and it has helped him realise we take far too much for granted in this life. 

I will share with you all some updates within the next month or so as we begin this journey.

I just want to thank all of the beautiful women in my life who have offered me their support. I have definitely learned who I can rely on in life and who really matters. 

Ladies, if you’re fortunate enough to be blessed with children – squeeze them extra tight for me tonight. 

My children currently live in my heart but I know I will meet them soon enough and until then I will keep faith and enjoy sleep ins and this beautiful time with my gorgeous husband 

 

putting on a brave face
 
 
with our mums celebrating Mothers Day

 

 

Mother’s Day……